Monday, June 9, 2008
today, i really felt that praise and worship was really powerful because only God has the power to change my life. and pastor's mark message was awesome. despite being sooo sleepy, i never fell asleep cause his message was really sincere and from his heart to the point that i knew that God was talking to me though him.

today, somehow God spoke to me. all these while, i kind of blamed God about this whole chrisitianity thing to be the cause of my break up with cg. i still feel really sad, weird and kind of irritated with myself to kind of still wanting his attention and stuff. i really hate to be like this but sometimes i really can't help it. so God asked me, what if other factors were the cause of the break up? like what if he betrayed you? would you still be feeling the way you are now?

i was speechless for awhile. cause even if there are other factors, i still need to live my life for my own and nobody else. i realised that i have all along conveniently shifted the blame to God for the way i am feeling but have never stopped to think that even if this wasn't the reason, there would be a thousand other reasons that we would not be together. i should really stop the way i am acting and feeling because i cannot depend my feelings based other other people. and today what spoke to me was when pastor mark said that we shouldn't be a smart alec but let God do everything. i have really come to the conclusion that after all those trying i really cannot. i really tried so hard not to msg him, not to be concerned about him but all these have failed terribly. i have always known that only when you let Him, then everything will fall into place. but somehow i don't really know what to do and what it means by letting Him. but today God told me say that whenever i have the urge to msg, to talk, tell Jesus, ' Jesus i cannot, but you can.' Jesus i really cannot do it myelf, i really need you.

therefore, in this coming camp, i really want to be filled with God's love to the fullest and really live my life for Him. i want to be a happy single ready for my life partner that God will provide for me. i know He will. i want to be one who gives out of love and not to be insecure but be secure in God's everlasting love. and i know He will work things out together for my good. i really don't understand why i have to go through any of these cause i hate it.

my other expectations for camp is for God to enlarge my heart. to see the way Jesus sees things. i don't want to be so narrow minded in the way i see things but to be a gracious person.

another is for God to show me what it means to have an abundant life. i always hear in church, Jesus came so that you might have life and life more abundantly. somehow i always hear it, but never had the revelation of it. and i want God to show me. because sometimes i agree with pastor benjamin that my life sucks. so what is this abundant christian life? somehow i feel that i don't have it. may be this will change after the camp.

that's about it for my expectations for the camp. cecilia told me that she writes down what she expects for camp so that she'll know when it comes to pass so that is what i am doing. i don't really know what else to expect because i have never been to this kind, but i'm sure it will be fun. maybe God will do exceeding abundantly all that i can ever asked or imagined. i believe He can do that.